On (Feeling Like a) Failure – A Review

I made some decisions yesterday I’m not proud of. All in the name of failure. I did some stuff that I thought I’d never do again, all because I’m feeling restless. Trapped. Like I don’t know what to do.

There are billions of people on this planet. And so many of them are unhappy. So many of them face hardship. So many of them deal with issues I can’t comprehend. And that hurts me a little bit. And then all of that hardship I can’t fix piles up. And all that pain becomes too much. And then I get like this. Depressed. Lost. Frightened. Sad.

An incident at school on Friday made me feel so small. Something happened too fast for me to react. And then I did nothing afterwards. A kid I told I cared about was hurt in front of me, and I did nothing to stop it, and nothing afterwards either. I just stood there dumbfounded. Finally, aware of where all the problems came from. All the problems that I needlessly make mine. All of the problems he has.

I can’t fix everything, even I know that. I’m not trying to. But the stuff that’s right there in front of me? The stuff I’ve gone through? The stuff that’s broken me? I should be able to fix that. I should have a clue. But instead my mind decides to play recap and take me through all the moments where I was as scared as that kid was.

God. What am I doing.

I feel so helpless. I feel so cornered. I have no idea what I should do. I have no way out. I don’t know how to fix this and I just can’t shake it from my mind.

I failed so much on Friday. I let so many people down last week. And all of it came from me doing what I thought was the right thing.

I’ve worked so hard. I’ve tried so much. And I really don’t think I have anything to show for it.

I’m working hard to keep things on the up and up. But I don’t think I’ve ever been this justifiably down. And I didn’t think that I’d try to fix things the way I used to.

I took a long walk yesterday, heading North until I was too lost to figure out which way North was again, that was a mistake. I walked with a whole bag of chips on my shoulder and then anted up when someone told me to pay for it. That was a mistake.

So, now I’m home, licking my wounds. Too proud to stop walking hard, and too frightened to leave and fix things.

And yeah, I feel like garbage. And yeah, I’m not doing anything to get better. And yeah, that’s just how its gotta be.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it brings something different to the table. Because this me isn’t equipped for what I’ve got to face.

I’ll do better. I’ll better. I promise. Just not right now.

-Connor