On the Subject of my Eventual Death - A Review

(Obviously this is a morbid blog. Know that I'm in a good place, I just needed to get this off my chest after this morning)

It's another day. Nothing special about it, except a particularly late sunrise. Which makes my morning walk to work extremely picturesque.

I'd enjoy it more if it weren't for the chilling cold that still hasn't left my bones. And of course, it'd be more enjoyable if it weren't for the gunshot that is still ringing in my ears.

That makes it sound more dramatic than it is. Someone across the street from me fired a gun into the air. There were 6 lanes of asphalt between us. The man was behind the chain link fence of a closed construction site, it was a handgun, and it was loud.

The police showed up quickly, before I could even pull my glove off and call 911. I hurried behind some scaffolding and, for whatever reason, convinced myself that, despite my reasonable fear of guns, I was going to be alright.

The guy seemed outright nuts. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. It wasn't an understandable kind of crazy and for whatever reason that made me think I could just ignore it.

I think its understandable that having this happen so close to me, really got me thinking about my own mortality.

I have what I would describe as an extremely active imagination. One that frequently assumes Murphy's law to be an absolute truth. Just walking down the stairs gives me anxiety because I consistently imagine what I'd look like face down and bloody on the bottom steps after a rather nasty fall.

So, its not too much of a leap for me to imagine being shot.

Before I continue, I don't think this is reasonable. I don't think this is okay. I realize this is an unhealthy thing to get my brain stuck on.

But if I could decide what I do or don't obsess over, well I wouldn't have a disease, would I?

With that put away and neatly wrapped with a bow under the tree. I focused intently on how life would play out after I died.

I don't want to get into it, because I don't want to make it seem like I want to die or that I'm even ready to. I'm just interested in doing what I can to adequately prepare for the inevitability.

I just wanted to norm I have a semblance of a plan. See, I have this thing with saying goodbye. So, I have goodbyes, closure, packed into a file on my computer. There are three people who, unwittingly, have the password to my computer. They have permission to log on and find "Dump File," a .docx that I've described on here before. It begins with a letter and a request.

I don't want to die. But when I do, I don't want anyone to lose me either. It's not as if I feel like I'm some gift to the world, it's more so that I don't like the feeling of lacking closure.

Is that me putting my insecurities on the rest of the world? Definitely!

So, please don't hang onto them. But know that they hang onto me. I appreciate you for reading this today, and I hope you're well.

Have a good rest of your week.