On Pressure - A Review
It is no secret that I get anxious.
A lot of things set me off. Public speaking, disagreements, socializing, and anything where I'm "putting myself out there." I get clammy hands. My neuropathy seems to get worse or at least louder. I get butterflies in my stomach. And there’s also the general overwhelming malaise that shrinks me to a tiny speck of pure unadulterated worry who is aware of the infinitely expanding cosmic ocean surrounding him and is dreading the idea of being in the cosmic ocean’s way.
You know, the usual stuff.
Ultimately the stuff that gets me anxious tends to boil down to one thing. Pressure. Whether that’s external pressure of others expecting me to succeed (read: me expecting them to expect me to succeed) or my own issue where I tie my self-worth to my ability. This is the more common of the two. The pressure builds and I feel inadequate and like I can’t do well. And then I get so frustrated I just can’t act. Or it becomes very difficult to. This happens the most to me with creative pursuits. I get really bogged down in making something great that it stops me from making anything at all.
Ironically the blog helped a lot with this. I wasn’t writing anything huge. I just wanted to write about whatever was on my mind. I didn’t care if there were typos or inconsistencies. I just explored a feeling.
But then I do what I always do. I build deadlines and routines. I build expectations. And then, lo and behold, there is pressure to meet those expectations. I get frustrated. And I quit. It’s easier also to fall into these quitting cycles when other parts of my life aren't going too great. But that’s not really a revelation worth scribing into stone.
Of course, when I feel worse, things that are hard feel even harder and I get down on myself. To quote my uncle's old bumper sticker, pressure sucks. And man! Does it really suck. It pulls everything out of me and makes me feel hollow. And hollow people can’t make art. They can’t introspect or draw or whatever. They’re just blah.
This is probably why I do my best work in secret. If I'm inspired and I tell no one I can create mountains because there are no expectations. I can work at my full capacity, and I can create something my skillset reflects. And that makes me feel good and more inspired so I can make more, but then I share what I'm up to and... well, there’s that expectation again. I almost feel like I need people to dislike what I create, or maybe be indifferent to it.
Maybe there is something sinister in a compliment. Thats good and now I expect your next thing to be just as good. I'm sure for some people a compliment could be motivating for the same reason it demotivates me. Who knows. Maybe you do. All I know is that for whatever reason, I let pressure get to me.
In a wonderful conversation at thanksgiving between my girlfriend, a great friend, and myself, my girlfriend mentioned how I build these complex routines and expectations on myself. She mentioned it off hand like that was just a fact (which it is), and I was stunned. Like yeah. That is what I do. And yeah. That is a huge problem. How is this how I'm learning about this. How did she know, and I didn’t?
So. What do I do? Honestly. I need to know. Do I just create art in secret and horde it. Or do I get over this somehow. I'm not sure. As my therapist, I expect you to have an answer to me before my insurance deductible rolls over in a month. Thanks.
And thanks for reading!
And Sonya, here’s a PS for just you. I’m not writing this blog because you asked me if I’m writing any more blogs. I’m writing this blog because of the conversation that surrounded that question.
