On Balance – A Review

Moving forward is hard enough, especially when you’re on a tightrope. Maybe not a literal tightrope, but a pretend one. That’s what the doctor asked me to do during what is called a “Neurological Examination.”

They do all sorts of stuff during this exam, they poke you with a stick, they hit you with a hammer, they put a tuning fork on your toes. It’s a lot.

All of this I’ve done before. A year or two ago. It was at a much darker lit office. The outcome of that test? Positive. I was shocked.

No, I was actually shocked. The next test they do is called Electromyograph test (an EMG), they put electrodes on your feet and the put what looks like an electrical plug on your calf and measure how long it takes for the electricity to reach the electrodes. That test was positive too. I was told I had peripheral neuropathy. A symptom more than a diagnosis.

Back to the office that’s better lit. The doctor finishes having me walk in a straight line and, the result? Negative. What? I ask. He then condescends and asks: "can you remind me what it feels like for you?" I explain myself, it's like there are bees in my skin. I had this test before, they said it was positive, I have this issue. The doctor brushes me off and says “it said that it was non-diagnostic.” I tell him that’s not true, he’s looking at the results of another test. He assures me he’s right and says “tell me, what are your OCD symptoms.”

And then I’m numb. He thinks I’m making it all up.

I tell him. And then say but that’s not relevant. He brushes me off again and recommends daily meditation. I push and the RN says we can do symptom treatment. The doctor nods and says sure, gabapentin, be sure to explain the side effects. And then leaves the room.

The side effects are a long and terrible list. Most people experience extreme fatigue, bowel issues, nausea, irritability, and more. They say, you could have opposite symptoms. They could go away in three weeks. They could not. If it’s too hard, you call us.

My first thoughts are that I am being tested. They want to see if I can deal with the bad, to see if I truly am sick. I am shaken from these thoughts when the RN then hands me a meditation brochure.

I push it away. I go off.

I am emotional. I reiterate that I am in a stable place. But this makes me frustrated and I explain myself to the RN and the doctor being trained in the room. They nod to what I say and it all but confirms it to me.

The doctor believes that the pain is in my head. That I am a hypochondriac.

I explain that the conditions are very different. OCD surrounding illness is not the same as hypochondria. It’s fundamentally different actually. That OCD makes you think if you don’t do X you will get Y. If I don’t brush my teeth harder, I will get gum disease and I will be miserable and die.

Obsessive Compulsives believe they have to do something, they go to a therapist.

Hypochondriacs believe that they have something and they go to a doctor.

But there is a constant belief that they are one in the same, even among medical professionals. I have had several doctors assure me that I was making up my illness. It has gotten to the point where now I have anxiety that I am actually doing that. But you can’t really fake an allergic reaction to food you thought was safe.

You can’t fake sleepless nights where you’re exhausted but are kept up by the literal gut-wrenching pain of your intestines bleeding.

And you can’t fake an EMG that proved you had a disease another doctor’s biases disagree with.

I say this, more or less, to the RN who was handing me a pamphlet on mindfulness meditation. And they frown. I avoid eye contact. They check the files again and see that my previous EMG isn’t even in the system. They help me get the paperwork to fix that. They prescribed me the pain medication. They tell me that 3 weeks is a while, but it will go away.

I’m teary and I thank them, and I leave.

Balance is a hard thing to handle when you’re top heavy. My head is full of thoughts and I do what I can to manage them. I have not written for two weeks, sorry. I think going forward I want to do it like this. I’m either writing a blog or 1000 words on that story I’m working on. This is my weekly task. My personal enrichment.

So, if you don’t catch a blog from me on a Saturday/Sunday, be happy, that means I’m working on something bigger. Something that will actually be proofread (ha ha).

I know I said before that I don’t want to force anything. But I think I have to. Because if I’m not doing something productive, like writing, then I am not going to be in balance.

And all that’s not to say that I’m off balance or in a bad place, sure I basically yelled at a 60 year old man last Monday because he told me my toes only seemed to feel like TV static, but he was asking for it.

I just want to get back to feeling like myself a bit more. And that’s going to be hard when I get into my work busy season while also taking a drug that can make you hate life.

So I'm doing more for me to maintain balance. Like trying and failing to draw a bee for 2 hours. It's hard, but it's fun. My process for doodles is usually doing some practice in a sketchbook and then moving on to a flash card, my preferred canvas. To my knowledge I've never drawn a bug. And so, instead of a finished flash card drawing, you get a sketchbook drawing. I'm sure you've all been wondering my art process. Now you know.

Anyway that’s all I got for you. Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading, and take care.