On Priorities – A Review

I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, what am I a 20 something year-old?

I spend a depressing amount of time asking myself: “am I happy?”

And an even more depressing amount of time decidedly convincing myself the correct answer to that question is: “I don’t know.”

I tell myself I can be happy. I can be happy if everyone around me is happy. And so, I make them. I clap and dance, and they laugh and smile and I smile all the while my answer rings in my head: “I don’t know.”

And I think this is what I need. And I think the ultimate way to get myself to be like them is to improve, and reiterate, and build and build.

But something always gets in the way. I go too far, or they realize what I’m doing and they beg for me to stop, after all they care about me. But I don’t.

Even now I’m thinking of what I can do to bring it all back. To make things simple again. But is that what I want?

I don’t know.

I think I want to be happy, but I don’t know how. I’ve spent too much of my life grounded in someone else’s. I become obsessed with meeting needs and benefiting from them. And then, when I think I have it, people tell me it’s bad for me. People tell me that it can’t happen. People tell me no.

And the thing is, they’re right. Everything that this alleged happiness is built on is fake. It’s all surrounded by an instable unsustainability. Sometimes, things have to be good enough. But no one ever notices when they are. Or they realize that your best is not good enough. And then you’re burnt. Rubble. Ash.

And now? Now, no one is happy. And I convince myself its my fault. Then, from that ash, I get hopeful again, hopeful I can fix it and then the cycle repeats.

But maybe that hope can come sooner. Maybe I can right it before it all goes to ruin. Or maybe, it’s not ruin just yet and this act is the ruining. Regardless, my answer is still: “I don’t know.”

But I know what I feel to an extent. And that extent is all I really have right now. And I feel like I want to be better. And I feel like I want to be happy. And I feel like there are two roads to get there.

One, is to go back to the way things were. Before the move. The way where I worked on me more than anything.

The other, its to try something new. Its to risk it all on a bargain bin gamble. Its to try and strike it rich.

Regardless, my priorities have to change. How? I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll sleep on it. Maybe I’ll go for a run. Maybe I’ll finally get my work done that’s due tomorrow. Maybe somewhere in there I’ll find an answer, or maybe, maybe I’ll just have to keep searching.

But the new thing I know: is that hope is something I’ve got again. And man, it feels good.

Thanks for reading, and have a great week.