On Closure – A Review

Sometimes, I don’t know how to start. I’ll have an idea, or a plan, and a clear vision of the end result in my head, but no matter what I do, I can’t find the means or the energy to get the ball rolling. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, and it’s not that I don’t know how, it’s just that the beginning eludes me.

However, I’ve been more motivated recently. That’s how I started the blog, why I started exercising, and why I’m about to move to New York.

But with all this motivation, and all these new threads to pull, I end up finding more beginnings than ends.  

Whether it is something artistic, like a drawing or a story; or something relaxing, like a video game, or a hobby; I’ve been picking up more than I’ve been putting down. Without meaning to speak hyperbole, it’s like I’m rolling around a katamari. Except, in that instance, there is at least a goal in mind and catchy music.

For me, my attention has been so divided that I can’t seem to find respite in any sort of closure, in fact, all the stuff I start seems just be unending all together.

When it comes to small projects and little games, I don’t mind never finding closure. The concept of it is nice, and I’d like to one day tie all these loose ends, but my life isn’t ruined without it. But the bigger stuff? That hits me harder. Part of it is because my mind gets so stuck on things, which is a blessing and a curse. But also it’s just because I’m so cluttered with stuff that I absolutely need to take some things down just for breathing room.

The box-standard advice for this problem is to make reasonable goals, or to not let it get to you, or to compartmentalize so the issues only affect you when they have to, but while I can be goal oriented, sometimes that just isn’t feasible, additionally I’ve never been one for labels, and I could never put anything I love in a box.

That might sound like I’m playing a semantics game, but I’m not. It’s not fair to me or to anyone to force them to separate their lives like a four day old smoothie. I’ve played the “layers” game before, and if it works for you, great, it doesn’t work for me anymore. It makes me feel sick and like a Caulfield-esque phony.

So instead, I’m over here searching for the end to all of these threads. Along the way I end up finding more beginnings than ends, and I keep picking up all these “new things” because I keep needing more ways to distract myself so I don’t panic and waste all my oxygen in this increasingly cluttered life of mine.

I’m currently in Salt Lake City. Quite far from New York, and far, but not-quite-as-far from my home. I’m sitting in a coffee shop, and I just found the bottom of my glass. The latte I got had all sorts of autumnal spices and sweet syrup, but I was too distracted to think to stir it. So, at the bottom of the cup, there was a thick sludgy mix of latte foam and simple syrup and pumpkin and turmeric and sweet roasted squash. When I took a sip, it blasted my tongue with a cacophony of flavors. The tinny whine of the singer on the café’s radio picked up as I pulled a long last drink. I wiped my mouth clean with the back of my jacket’s sleeve and placed the cup in the bus bin for a worker to clean and use again.

Starting is hard. But finishing is even harder. This trip is over, and the clock on my next adventure starts in less than 48 hours. I had a great time out here. I met a lot of fabulous people, saw a lot of beautiful things, and spent some quality time with someone who means the world to me. Rather than tie off this experience and mark it as finished. I’m going to hold it close, as I’m going to do with all of my positive experiences with my friends and my family from the past couple of months.

I’ve got so many fantastic people in my life, and I don’t need closure with them. While I do hold tight to the past, it’s not there to slow me down, and I certainly won’t let it get me tangled, but if it does, then that’s okay. Because I will know it’s all been worth it.

I’ve spent so much of my life living fully in the moment. The past was a friend to me, but it was the type of friend who really just amounted to a fond memory. Now, with all this future ahead of me, I’m starting to understand that just because this “presentism” got me here, doesn’t mean it’s the only option. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I’d say it’s just another step on my own philosophical journey to further understand what life is all about.

There are three states to time, and I’m just learning that I better start giving them all the attention they deserve.

Thanks for reading, and have a great week. You’ve earned it.