On Milestones – A Review
Well. Here we are. This is the 100th blog.
Let me get this out of the way first, I don’t know what I am anymore. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I’m good at, I don’t know where I’m going to be in four months. But. What I do know, is that these blogs have been a singular consistency in my rather inconsistent life.
These blogs have given me a place to finally let certain thoughts free, a place to vent, and a place to be sure I didn’t let a hobby fall to the wayside.
I don’t like doing things out of momentum. This is something I could write a blog on later. For me, I do something because I want to do it, not because I can, or because I have in the past.
So, to have done something for nearly 9 months straight, sort of baffles me. Right now, even while feeling proud to have published 100 blogs, I can’t promise that come June 22nd I’ll be publishing an anniversary blog. And just saying that sort of tears me up, even though I know I could just decide here and now that I’m going to do it.
But I can’t decide what I’ll want in a month.
I started writing these blogs every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday because I was getting upset that I wasn’t taking time to write for myself anymore. The original plan was that I’d write a blog that was 500-2,000 words MWF and then write 1,000 words of fiction on Tuesday/Thursday. I’ll admit that I haven’t kept up with Tuesday and Thursday since starting my job. Ironically, those are the days I’ve been writing the blogs as of late.
Looking across the blogs and rereading the subtext for the blog itself, I can’t help but notice how much things have changed. I’ve gone from writing ranting advice columns to small-scale exposition on singular ideas. I’ve written some things after putting hours upon hours of research into them, and then spending multiple hours writing and editing, to some blogs that have taken 30 minutes. And I know it shows. I had to go back and rewrite a blog because of its poor quality. Some of these blogs cover things that have been on my mind since I was a kid, others are just ideas someone else gave me to write about that I made my own. Some were written just so I could move on, some are on my mind still.
And I don’t think I can be blamed for the variation. There are 100 of them after all. Two of which were written by two very important people in my life. And can be found linked here and here in no particular order.
I thought for a while about what I’d write about today. What would I say or do to note this relatively massive occasion. And... Well. I couldn’t come up with much.
I did decide to make a kind of collection of blogs that I think ended up being important in some way to me. Some of them are important because they say something major about me, or marked turning points in my life. Some are important because I like one or two of the lines written in them.
I figure, linking ten with a small blurb about why I like them or what they mean is a good place to start.
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This blog follows the format I kind of wish I could always maintain. I want that sort of…anecdote driven start to ground my reader before I jump into whatever I’m going to write about.
Imposter syndrome itself is a hell of a topic. I don’t know why it hits me so hard so often, but man. Whenever I’m depressed? You can bet this feeling creeps in there.
But it’s funny, because whenever I’m tossed the rare compliment, it never goes over well anyway. I just kind of sit there wondering why I’m being told what I’m being told.
And then, of course, I learn to forget all my pretense and accept the gesture for what it is. I then go ahead and wear it like a badge for the rest of my life. The two most recent compliments I’ve received? “I love those shoes,” from one of the school’s operational staff, and then “you’re authentic when you teach, and I love it,” from a fellow teacher.
I think I’ve worn those boots more than any other pair of shoes I own because one person said something nice about them, and anytime I’m feeling like a bad teacher I remember what they said and jump into being that engaged fun-loving teacher my co-worker saw that one time.
On One of My Secrets - A Review
This one didn’t get me into the hot water I feared. I hadn’t told any member of my family that I had OCD, and now I feel like half the planet knows.
Granted that’s not even remotely true.
I don’t have much to say about this one other than I got so much support after putting this out there. And so many people asked me to clarify things and asked me for more information and that was exactly what I wanted. To be clear, I want most of these blogs to be conversation starters, and this one really accomplished that goal.
It was also nice to just finally say it too.
Coffee Shop Couture - A Review
This is one of the blogs written at someone else’s request and if it were sustainable, I’d write this kind of stuff for the rest of my life.
I’ve always loved telling stories and making a case for what’s important to me. This blog does both without getting preachy. I’m sure I would’ve slipped in some message about war and peace if I could, but I’m glad I didn’t.
The Speed of Life - A Review // The Speed of Life pt. 2 - A Review
I put these two together because… well they’re obviously sequels. The first one is possibly my favorite thing I’ve written, even with its errors in pacing and math.
The best parts of that blog are the best parts of me. I’m still addressing my weaknesses and I’m still living every moment of life the best I can. Time hasn’t caught up yet.
You ever write something and then read it months later and go “hey look, I’m still doing that thing.” Well, hey look, I’m still doing that thing.
I have more blind spots now than I did before. Or maybe it’s the same amount I’ve just finally noticed them.
Regardless, I’ve done nothing to fix the problem as it stands on its own, just the problems its caused. Great work, Connor.
There is however, some hope. See, a different blind spot? One that was actually degrading my recently acquired hope for a world worth fighting for, I got rid of it. So, there’s more hope yet to come… maybe.
On Someone Else's Hairdresser - A Review
I did end up getting a haircut.
This blog is weird for a couple of reasons. Most notably the quote toward the end. I realized that its an amalgamation of several different lines from different songs (most notably Bleachers, “Don’t take the Money,” Sara Bareilles, “Love Song”), I did guess that it was a mix in the original blog, but then, for whatever reason, I decided to analyze it like it was a real poem. Weird choice me.
Everything before that though? I think is important. That was a weird dark day for me. And it follows this trend throughout my blogs of fearing loss. Something I’m still not over. Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
This blog is insane. It goes from on the rails to off the rails to back on the rails in such an unflinching way that you would never notice unless you read it slow.
The whole premise is something I find myself talking with people a lot still. And yeah. I still feel the burnout of failure, and it hurts, and I just don’t have a solution yet.
The Theoretical Distance Quotient - A Review
This blog has kept me more sane than anything I’ve ever written, but I also think it’s probably one of the least readable things I’ve ever written.
The entire concept is calming. I do not need to know where I’m going to be, because it’s too early. Because there are too many variables. Because there is too much fog.
If I did know, I’d be crazy or worse, I’d be guessing.
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So. There you have it. 10 blogs that are important to me.
Of course I might have missed some that were important to you, or are even actually more important to me I just didn’t think of it.
I’m going to do my best to keep updating this three times a week. MWF are my goals, but if I slip, I slip. I need to make sure quality comes first, as I said before.
We’ll see where the world takes us, but let me just thank you for being there with me for where I’ve gone so far.
As always, thanks for reading, and have a great Monday.
Take care,
-Connor
