After Dark – A Review

There’s a running gag with a few of my friends that I’m a bit of a different person when I’m exhausted. I know I’m more likely to wax poetic when I’m sleepy, but other than that I can’t really list off the differences.

Usually, these blogs get written the afternoon before they’re posted and then finished the following morning. And even then, I generally spend around two or so days thinking about their subjects before completely trashing that idea and writing about something different in the moment.

So. Within the sphere of my blog, there has yet to be one produced by “tired Connor.” Until today.

See, right now it’s 9pm. This blog is going up before midnight or so help me, I am not missing a day. But this is a problem, since I’ve been up since 5, and by that, I mean I got out of bed at 5, which means that I have no real energy to approach my predestined subject matter for the day.

But, to only kind of quote Bill O’Reilly, “we’ll do it live!”

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I don’t mean for this to sound braggadocios, but I generally don’t fail much.

Let me explain. Most of my jobs, schoolwork, problems, relationships, etc. all could be solved with just… applying effort. So, anytime I failed, it was generally reflected by how much I cared about getting that thing right. And, if you’ve met me, you don’t need me to tell you that I often care way too much.

One of the reasons I think people come to me with problems (both physical and emotional ones) is because I am, for the most part, consistently invested in their lives.

Corollary: I also tend to put a lot of effort into my relationships. That’s just who I’ve always been.

So, be me, a dude with a new job, in a new house, with little to no real direct experience. Everyone told me I was going to fail, a lot, before I started teaching. They said, “each year, you just learn to fail less.” While I didn’t really… think they were lying, I definitely didn’t think I was going to fail as much as I am failing recently.

I’m the guy who always succeeds if he wants to. Right?

Well. This job proved me wrong a thousand times over. Sure, there is a lot to actually learn on the job, but there’s also like… this strange grace(less) period where you don’t have the authority or the space to actually be able to do your job.

Either you undermine yourself by messing up (which comes from being new) or the kids intentionally push you to see where you’ll crack (which comes from being new).

I wanted to type “I don’t mind the failure.” But I do. I really do. I don’t like that I can’t just be good at this for just trying. I wish that me putting all my time into this job would actually let me become instantly successful. But it doesn’t work like that. I work 6am to 8pm Monday through Friday and still end up behind somewhere. Granted, I goof off. Hang out with the kids when I’m not supposed to, and just let them be… kids, chill with my co-teachers in the TWR. Collapse onto the desks and just lay there for a bit after the final dismissal. But, then I snap back into go-mode and get things done.

Part of it is that I teach 5th graders. So, the free time I have throughout the day often gets eaten by behavior issues or the like. And that leads to me taking a lot of grading home. And I want them to get better, so I give a lot of feedback.

Oh, side note. I was told I’m the toughest grader at the school, and I had these insane flashbacks to college. Shout out to the Newberry English department and that debacle.

Anyway. The more I work, the more I learn. And the better I do! Which is great until it isn’t. Because, just as I’m rolling through, doing a great job explaining things and teaching things, I’ll watch another teacher handle a situation completely differently. Or they’ll be able to rattle off exactly what specific students are good or bad at using all sorts of buzzwords and lingo that I was never taught and it’s just. Gulp.

I looked in the mirror today, and I looked battered. My eyes were sunken and surrounded with a mix of bags and wrinkles. My beard is… there. I haven’t had the motivation to shave in two weeks. The patchy tufts of white, blond, red, black, and brown hair are all haggard and wiry pointing in all directions, pulling me apart.

I felt out of my skin. It’s only been two full months of teaching. And I think it has aged the boyish charm out of most of my face. But then again, I do see my face every day. So, maybe that’s just a me thing.

I can tell the sleepiness is really coming on now.

I want to just write about how I’ve been teaching the kid’s really stupid/advanced words like microcosm and defenestration and verbose. I’ve explained to them my approach to the concept of death, how I deal with feeling unmotivated, and which is better PubG or Fortnite. I don’t know why I’m like this.

Anyway. Love you much. These next two weeks are going to be hectic, so you might get some pretty late-night blogs again. If so, enjoy the rambles.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend! I’m not proofreading this.