On Escaping Depression – A Review

Hi.

Today, I am depressed.

I will often suggest that depression is nobody’s fault. That it is just something that happens, and yeah, I believe that. I believe it right now even, but I can still say with absolute certainty that today, today me being depressed is my fault.

It all started with a rather crumby morning, which led me into isolation. The few attempts I made at reaching out to my friends were done in a way that didn’t sound like a cry for help. The cry was there, hidden in the subtext that only few ever think to read. But the call was silent, like the G in lasagna.

Now I’m sitting here. Alone. Still pretending like I don’t need help.

I want to tell you what it feels like. But the words aren’t there. I’m mad at myself, but I feel frustrated that I am mad, and know that I shouldn’t be mad. There is a pulling in my skull, but I can’t really put my finger on it. It feels like every ounce of my attention needs to address the pulling, but I never can.

I’ve yet to run through my usual gambit of fixes. This is actually the first active step I’ve taken to right myself, because well… I need to get out of this funk if I have any hope to get sleep this week. If the blog doesn’t clear me, I’ll draw, or I’ll write some more. I say this knowing full and well that if I’m not clear of this by the end of the blog, I’ll probably end up in bed in the fetal position, just hoping exhaustion might take over.

Moments like these are when I’m reminded that life isn’t a game. That there are a set of checks and balances necessary for me to follow in order to right myself. This is my punishment for not addressing the boxes that were unchecked.

To clarify. I had every opportunity not to be here today. I could’ve been in so many other places. I could’ve been out in the world doing things. Which, while that doesn’t always help, helps more than not.

The way I managed to avoid all of my safety nets to keep me from getting to this point was that I tricked myself into thinking I was being productive. I spent 12 hours working on two lessons for school and buying groceries. All of that could’ve been done in three hours or less. I topped all this off with eating food that I knew would make me feel worse.

I kept telling myself that I couldn’t pull away from the computer for long enough to cook something, to clean the apartment, to write, or to draw, or do anything that normally helps, because I needed to get this Intellectual Prep done. But by then I was already gone.

I’m not sure what helps most. It’s probably talking. But, that requires me to trap someone I care about. It feels wrong, even if they do want to be there, even if they do care about my well-being, it’s just not right for me to use them like that.

After that, probably running. But it’s hard to motivate myself to do it if I’m out of the habit. Then it’s writing, then it’s drawing.

It gets the worse when I let myself be alone. Work usually fixes that for me. But we’re on break.

I guess my problem is the same problem I always have. I want to fix it, but I can’t do it alone, but I also don’t want to force my problem (or any problem) on someone else, and so I seem stubborn and upset, when in reality I’m just experiencing a well-developed martyrdom complex.

I guess part of that is really just biting the bullet and having the conversation anyway. I think a lot of that stems from talking to someone you trust and can rely on and making sure they know they can say no.

I think I have, in the past, pushed people too far with my neediness in this regard. I get used to a solution, and maybe at that point, I forget that it’s a person. Or maybe they just stop feeling like a person. Which is even worse. I don’t want someone to think they’re the solution to my problem. I guess I just want continued mutual care.

My depression has been hitting me less and less lately. Part of that might be that I have a more social job, but part of it also might be the fact that I’ve lived with it for long enough to fight back when I know I need to.

Regardless, where I am today beats out any weeklong depression from a few months ago. Thank you to the people who got me to where I am now. And to those who continue to push me toward this period of just being better.

I appreciate you.

Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!

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So. While writing the blog I got a phone call from a friend. They called to help me, and they did. I’m better now, and I appreciate what they did. I still can’t change how I feel, because I don’t want to ever use somebody. But. Hopefully, I can figure out how to accept help when I get it, and help myself when I don’t.