On Perfection (and the lack thereof) – A Review
I might have already had a blog titled something similar, but I’ve never really been one for rules.
Well, self-made rules, that is. And you might see that as self-defeating, but I see that as the whole point in making rules to begin with.
If you can’t break what you create, well, you might end up with too crammed a house.
I should also correct myself; I love rules. But what I love more is finding a reason to break them.
Like, I’ve got a long list of dietary restrictions, but on a particularly shitty day, I’ll rail against those just to feel “better.” Better, is of course subjective, as I am often found hours later writhing in pain.
Sometimes, the act is more noble. I have efficiencies built into my life. They’re essentially preferences that minimize time, effort, distance. But I’d break them all for a friend. I often go far out of my relatively confined comfort zone (like all the way to Brooklyn Bridge) just to make someone I care about laugh or smile. Sometimes, like in the case of the bridge, it backfires or goes a way you don’t expect.
To be clear, it’s not often I’m asked to do these things. I just do everything I can for others. Sometimes I just do everything for others. Getting out of bed is more thinking, “what would happen to ______ if I didn’t,” more so than anything else.
What I’m essentially telling you, which is something most already know, is that I have a martyr complex. But the thing about being a willing martyr, sometimes you throw your hand on the wrong sword. And sometimes, you stand in front of arrows that would have amounted to near misses. And sometimes, sometimes your work goes unappreciated, or becomes expected. And that’s not fun.
Often in these moments, I feel as if I’m being told to act “perfect.” To do what an idyllic version of myself would do. I feel as if I am pigeonholed into becoming this heroic self-sacrificing figure. But who makes me feel like that? Mainly just me.
I put myself in situations where I have to be the one who puts someone else first way too often, and sometimes it works out, but often I just become a restless zombie who does all this for nothing and then gets confused when he’s upset, and working overtime to keep up with his own mental health.
And it’s all just me doing too much. It’s all just me thinking that I have to be this…sacrificial figure. That it’ll all mean something. That my many small actions will become something greater in the grand scheme. Not for me, but for somebody.
It’s just a weird way to make myself matter, I guess.
Huh. I guess that’s a thought I didn’t know I’d get to.
It all comes back to mattering doesn’t it? Watsky calls his urge to become important: “that ugly itch.” And an itch is exactly what it is. It feels good in the moment, but leaves a not so pleasant mark. And if you do it too much, well, you might need to get it looked at.
It’s just strange to me. How much I contort and twist to become important to someone. And how little I care about anything except the meaning of that importance.
It’s disgusting. Honestly.
But I don’t know how to escape it. I guess I just try to move on. Or maybe care less. I don’t know.
What I know is right now I feel so lost in it. I try to stop being the guy who gives people what they want and just ask, and it just makes people so mad. And I feel so gross. Like I can’t have what I want, because it’s too difficult to give, even when it’s something small. And then people feel like they owe me. And that’s not right either. And I’m stuck in this weird situation where I can’t ask for help, because if I do, it’ll seem like I think I deserve it. Or someone might feel forced to give it.
I wrote all this out to feel better. But it just makes me feel sorry for myself. It makes me feel like none of it has ever been real. But that’s not true. It’s just my brain playing tricks.
I just feel overwhelmed and consumed and swallowed by this weird mix of pride and helplessness, and I just want it to stop.
But I don’t know how.
I feel so alone. So crushingly alone. But that’s because I put value in the wrong space. So how do I stop. How do I fix that?
How do I get what I want on my own? How do I give what I can, but not everything? And how on earth do I stop feeling like this?
Now, do me a favor. Close this blog and pretend you didn’t read it.
