On Something - A Review

Frantically, I search my room for clues. Hints that will inspire me, keep me from failing to meet my own artificial deadline. I resolve to reading the stickers on my water bottle. Each reminiscent of a journey.

I am late. Sorry.

But. I did have a lot of things going on in order to get here.

Alright, let’s curb the ambiguous writing and move forward.

Hi!

One more work week crossed off the list and with it, I’ve decidedly crossed my sanity off as well.

For whatever reason, my three-day weekend began and my brain turned off completely. I cannot, honestly, come up with a coherent string of sentences for this. What you’re reading now is a frantic mishmashing of random half-written ideas copied and pasted together into what might seem like some semblance of a blog.

I think it is safe to assume I am under a lot of stress.

I am, currently, living in a lot of unsuredness. And that is setting me on high alert across the board. It’s bleeding into the parts of my life that are certain, making me act erratic and making me think that there is uncertainty in all things, including the things that a few hours ago I was certain of.

This is that old beast, imposter syndrome kicking in.

It doesn’t help that I can personally rationalize all my insecure thoughts with what seems like strong logic. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t slept for a little while. Mix that with a stressful couple of days and you’re bound to find me at rock bottom.

That being said, I’m fine. It’s just keeping me from being an effective human being at the moment.

Its moments like this that remind me that I can’t just cut all ties and head into the wilderness like I’ve been tempted, because I need to lean on people who care about me and have time for me to help set my mind straight while I figure out how to be more independent.

Well. Independent in the sense of being able to handle the frenetic kind of freak out that’s got my heart beating out of my chest.

I think this weekend will help get me out of this funk. It’s hard to see an end to life like this. But I recently managed two weeks of not being in this place, so I imagine I can get out of here again.

It’s funny how you can go so long, putting up with so much, and then how one little thing can break you.

But. Lucky for us, I’m not broken just yet, and I’ve got plenty of time to make sure I’ll get it together.

This blog is not a sad one. It is just a collection of thoughts reflecting on my current status. My outlook is positive, but the road to get there is fraught with menacing loneliness, crushing ineptitude, and of course, stress. But at the end? There’s peace.

I would very much like to get there.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend.