Only Just – A Review

Every day, I do my best. What qualifies as “my best” changes day by day, yesterday, I decided I wouldn’t settle for that.

See, yesterday was important. It was supposed to be the day that I put my best foot so far forward, there would be no room for missteps.

The first thing I did was wake up late.

It didn’t hold me back though, I came to everything I could with full force, and I’m proud to say I left everything I had on the court. But, moment after moment, point after point, second after second, all that hard work was chipped away by small failures littered throughout my large victories.

I let small stuff get to me. I know I do, I wrote a blog about why I let it. But yesterday, there was so much small stuff, that some of the big stuff became impossible.

And, just in case you were unaware, that’s frustrating.

I still managed to come out of the day looking fine on the student facing side. But behind the scenes, what was supposed to be the first strike of my perfect game, was a half-taped together mess.

When school and the meetings were over, I sat down at a desk and did 30 minutes of work for two hours. I kept the hobbled tape side of my life face down as a migraine whittled away at my sanity and I counted the grain in the wood. This. This is what failure felt like.

But, for the most part, I hadn’t failed. In fact, I did well in everything that I had the tools to succeed in. There was a couple of glaring miscommunications, sorry! But other than that, I did what I needed to do and what I was capable of, and I did it well.

But that’s not the narrative I got to tell myself.

Instead my brain cycled around the moments in which I failed. It centered itself in the negative, despite my growth, my energy, and my time.

This was a rough week. It was just one of those times when the world gets to feel like too much. Where all that you put in place gets stripped from you, and you just feel lost in the non-alcoholic hypo-allergenic sauce.

Maybe I need to do more, maybe I need to do less. I’m not sure yet. All I know is that today is just another chance for me to make those steps.

I have a lot on my plate for today. A ridiculous amount. Way more than yesterday.

And, preparing for that, I know that failure is okay. I really do. But I want my best to be good enough or at least, only just enough. So that way, I can eventually overachieve like I’m used to. But, that’s not always something you can just “do.”

Effort is a funny thing. There are a lot of places where, just a little more than enough effort will get you a disproportionately amazing reward.

For the first time in my life, I’m at a place where it takes way more than “a little extra” effort to feel satisfied. And while that is different and is difficult, it’s also a challenge that I can’t wait to overcome.

Thanks for reading.

While thinking about this blog, I was taken back to a sort of silly rap song that always ends up in my “Random Rap Playlist” Radio on Spotify. The song itself isn’t really my style, but for so many reasons this song scratches too many of my musical interests.

The piano reminds me of Death Cab, the vocals remind me of the raps from Sonic Adventure’s Knuckles stages (to the two of you who know what I’m talking about, am I crazy, or do you hear it too?), and then the lyrics remind me of Everlast.

But ultimately, whenever I hear it. I just wonder about the role of passion in society. For a while, the world seemed to favor those who didn’t care, but now passion has taken the main stage in a lot of ways.

I realize this is a lot to come out of my reaction to a relatively straightforward, but highly political rap.

Anyway. I’ve got a day to box. Stay light, keep your guard up, and enjoy your weekend!