On Luck - A Review

This is the fifth time I’ve tried to write this. So, please, retroactively, wish me luck.

I have a lot of trouble thinking “out of narrative.” What’s that mean? To be honest I don’t know. It is the closest I can come to describing the weirdo way my brain processes things.

I say “out of narrative” because “in-narrative” to me means there’s some sort of continuance. My thoughts are a thread that I have to follow with my fingers. If my thoughts are “out of narrative” or I lose the thread, the world starts to feel like it’s about to burst at the seams.

All this is to say, I have a lot of trouble processing things. Especially a lot of things at the same time. And when I do think “in-narrative,” I’m thinking in full sentences that are sort of like… blogs.

And so, when my grandma died about two weeks ago, I was in a fog until I sat down to write out how I felt. That in turn became a blog and that blog became a eulogy. And I hit save document and closed the word doc.

And I thought. OK, it’s out of my system, I’ve reached the end of this thread, so I can move on.

Then I go to my grandmother’s funeral, and I feel that world bursting feeling. I get overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do. I felt like a blur. Going around and hugging family and friends, hopping from one conversation to the next. And I don’t know what’s wrong, but I just feel this deep sense of being “out of place.” Even though, obviously, I was where I needed to be.

I kept looking around for a place to fit in and nothing seemed right. And then it hit me. I was looking for my grandma.

My grandma and I were always joined at the hip at family events. Feeling the loss at her funeral was obviously something I expected, but I figured missing her at an event would happen at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

And so, while grappling with that feeling. Two of my best friends showed up (I had no idea they were coming, they live in New York) and really gave me something to latch onto.

Thank god for that. Because I was about to explode.

Now I just have to hope that happens at every event going forward. This is called codependency. And obviously I will need to deal with my grandma’s absence in some other way.

 So, stay tuned for my future blog about that.

Anyway, now it’s the day after my grandmother’s funeral. The day after what would have been her 73rd birthday and I’m still feeling that world bursting pain. And so, I am dealing with it the only way I know how.

Writing until I stop clenching my teeth.  

Anyway. This blog is called on luck because my grandma was a gambler. She loved slots the most and according to her, she won more than she lost.

My grandma gave me a lot of gifts. That was kind of her thing. She made a big deal out of birthdays and Christmas. And she would send you things in the mail every few weeks. They could be homemade like a box of cookies, or something substantial like an office chair because you mentioned yours broke, or something specific, like a bunch of Isabel Allende novels, because she saw you reading her once, or something so simple and kind, like a box of markers because she wants you to keep drawing.

But one gift I’ve always remembered is her “lucky coin.” I can’t remember the details exactly, she had either lost a lot or won a lot the night before at the casino. She said something along the lines of “this is my lucky coin, but the luck has run out for me, maybe it’ll work for you.”

I was probably around 11 years old. I kept the coin in my wallet until I graduated high school. After that, I kept it on my desk so I could roll it in my palm while I was thinking.

I remember trying to give the coin back to her after I graduated college, but she told me to keep it.

The coin itself is a bit morbid. One side it has three planes, all C-17’s (the large transport plane used to move military vehicles, the president’s limo, and at one point, Shamu!), and the text says “If you see us coming, you’re going to have a bad day.” And on the other side is a grim reaper, with the text “SOLR” in front of it.

Like I said, quite morbid. And a little on the nose for the US military. I couldn’t find much about SOLR, I know it was for the loading ramps Boeing developed to help the US military load C-17’s quickly. But that’s about it.

Anyway. I lost the coin when I moved to San Diego. I knew it was somewhere in my new apartment, and looked for it every once in a while, but couldn’t find it.

It was a few years after moving that my grandma’s health took a dive. She was hospitalized. Luckily survived despite everything. Spent a year recovering at my mom’s house. And then was hospitalized again, for similar reasons. She died soon after that.

In the original writeup of this blog I explained exactly why she was hospitalized and went into detail about her health and the issues she was facing. But while this is how my grandma’s story ends, it’s really just a small part of her life.

And it’s kind of funny when you think about family. You really only know them so well. Right? You know some of their big stories and the basics, but when it comes to your parents, or grandparents, and your aunts and uncles, you only know a sort the sort of blurry version of themselves they present to family.

You don’t really know them like a friend knows them. And nothing makes that more apparent than when they die and you have a brain that can only think along one thread at a time and you have to write your thoughts down to even feel them and you want to write about her, but you can’t. Because she’s a whole person. And you had done so much with her and she was your ride or die, and she was always there and now she’s not. And how do you deal with that.

And I don’t really know the answer to that question. If you do tell me. I’ve never been good at grief. So I choose to be grateful instead. I’m grateful for all the gifts she gave me. And yes, that includes the markers, the chair, and the coin. But really I’m talking about the more important gifts. The memories, the lessons, the laughs, the hugs, and just all the wonderful amazing time I got to spend with her.

I am so glad to have known her and to have been loved by her and to have her as my hero who taught me so much. My grandma had a huge personality and seriously affected so many people. She has left a legacy just by living her authentic self and by being true to her identity. And we are all so lucky to live in a world that was brightened by her presence.

I love and miss you grandma.

Thanks for reading.  

Side note: My grandma’s favorite animal (besides her dog) was a giraffe. Hence the photo.