To Thine own self be – A Review

Yeah, it’s one of those.

I decided to finally admit some stuff to myself last night.

The tough stuff that you never fully clear up, but always know (and sometimes even say) is true.

The facts that I acknowledged last night were things I intentionally left myself in the dark on. Things I’ve been told or felt that I didn’t give any attention to.

And I realized that, for someone who is so obsessed with learning and growth, I haven’t been doing much of the personal kind of that lately.

Sure. I’ve been studying my surface, my breakdowns, but my depths have gone unchecked.

Where am I going with this. Well, I’ve got a problem.

And it’s you.

See, here’s the deal. I don’t know how to live for myself.

So much of my life becomes wrapped up in other people that I just stop caring about me, and end up living entirely for someone else.

The idyllic me that I talk so fondly of, the one that made me move to New York, the one that was excited to make a change and the one that became a teacher, that me didn’t have this problem, because that me had no one.

Isolation is a positive, sometimes. It can make you rigid, sure, but in that rigidity, you can find a kind of self-assuredness. The same kind I lack.

And having a crowded life can be a negative. Too many people means not enough attention.

The thing is, I’ve never been one for crowds. And sometimes my brain takes two and recouples it to be too many to handle. Meaning, I make a room with just me and someone else into a party.

That sounds fun, until you realize the crushing burden of responsibility I just put on someone else and the overwhelming lack of attention I spend on yours truly.

The worst part is, sometimes I’ll let someone walk on me because I’m too accustomed to rolling over when they ask. And then, when they finally ask too much, and I say no. They get mad. Or maybe when I finally ask for what I want, they don’t care.

And this was too big of a pattern for me to ignore it. Too many people have been lost to me setting up a life where I could only care about one person at a time. Too many people took advantage of my kindness because they were the only ones I had kindness for.

My lifestyle promotes this. I’m not exactly hard to find. Or in demand. I can’t be, when the supply is only marketed to one at a time.

So, forgive me, but, I’m tired of being used up. And I’m tired of being a pushover. I think it’s going to cause some static, but, I can’t afford to be a small fish in a big pond. But I also can’t be a big fish in a small pond with another big fish.

I just need to be me again.

Thanks for reading.

Have a great rest of your week.