A Rebuttal: Surfin' USA

Whether it’s an ode to Chuck Berry’s enticing style or a blatant attempt at theft, there is no denying that Surfin’ USA is one of the Beach Boys biggest hits. While that controversy is very important for music history, fair use, and plagiarism…there is something deeper and more important hidden within Surfin’ USA’s lyrics. You see, at the very beginning of the song, the writer of the lyrics, Brian Wilson proposes an idea, he states:

If everybody had an ocean

Across the U.S.A.

Then everybody’d be surfin’

Like Californi-a

There are multiple problems with this approach, but the most obvious comes from the Wilson’s first statement, “If everybody had an ocean/Across the U.S.A. / Then everybody’d be surfin’.” This is obviously an if then statement, implying a causality between the two events. If everyone owned an ocean in the United States of America, then everyone would be surfing. I, however, blatantly disagree with Mr. Wilson’s statement, and suggest the opposite. If everyone in the United States did indeed have an ocean, then I do not believe everyone would be surfing, no. They’d be drowning.

Since Mr. Wilson mentions Califoni-a, it is clear he is encouraging every member of the United States to own an ocean equivalent to the pacific ocean. Mr. Wilson is suggesting that 187 quintillion gallons of salt water should be owned by 189.2 million individuals. After some rough calculations, it has become more and more evident to me, that Mr. Wilson did not think his proposition through and is not aware that the 62.46 million miles squared multiplied by 189.2 million people is far greater than the US’s total land mass, which is 3.797 million miles squared. Additionally, due to the removal of beaches, the swells across America, assuming every individual was skilled and able to surf, would be impossible to “ride” due to their lack of “breaking.”

Mr. Wilson’s suggestion of giving everyone an ocean is wildly unfounded, dangerous, and undeniably malicious. Mr. Wilson’s plea to transform America into a nation of surfer culture might be seen as respectable to his immediate audience, or as a joke, but in reality it is clearly an attempt to drown America and destroy everything it stands for. I for one won’t take this Brian. I won’t.

Surfin' USA Lyric credits belong to Brian Wilson and Chuck Berry