On Being mad and Smelling Brussel Sprouts – A Review (and more)

I’ve had a good day. A really good day, but I’m mad and the whole building smells like recently broiled brussel sprouts. This has probably been one of my best days in terms of work, like all work. Every job I’ve ever had has rarely had a day like this. But I’m sitting at my computer, pissed off.

Why?

Because I’ve noticed that buried under a web of recursive lies and gaslighting, there’s another lie. Add one more thread to the gordian knot and toss it up for “Great, Alex the.” Go ahead king, take a chance and cleave.

Why am I mad?

Because I am letting someone who has a clear MO run rampant in my life for even longer, starting fires and never staying around to roast the marshmallows.

Why am I so mad?

Because for whatever damned reason, I let two great things fall before one bad.

Why am I so so so very mad?

Because the whole building smells like perfectly cooked and seasoned brussel sprouts, and no one even offered to share.

Because whenever it’s my turn, whenever I find time, whenever there’s a moment for me. It’s dashed. And I do all I can to pick up the pieces and scramble toward the finish line, but I can’t keep on like this.

I was happy when I walked in the door. Normally, I think, the smell of brussel sprouts might turn someone away, but for me? It reminds me of home. It reminds me of my mom filling the house with the same pungent stench. It reminds me of the crunch of her slightly burnt (to perfection) veggies. It takes me to all sorts of restaurants, dinner parties, and diets. It takes me to a good place.

But I was already in a good place. I was happy, living high on the promise of another chance. I was ecstatic at the prospect of being told I was good at what was later called “most important.”

That good mood was taken higher by fingers twisting hair, the steady beat of a conversation going well, the regular hums that follow tastes as good as these.

That great mood was lifted by epiphany, by a clever joke, and by a brisk walk home.

And then. Something someone did, months ago, reared its ugly head. And I just don’t know why.

How could you hide like that from me, after I asked you not to. How could you not tell me, after you promised to. How could you? after I had such a great day.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. Maybe they didn’t have enough brussel sprouts to share. Maybe, they were burnt, and my outlook just made me assume they were cooked better. Maybe they’re not even here anymore, whisked away to some Halloween party.

Maybe, it’s just another lesson. Maybe here I take from it what I’ve freely given. Advice to quit.

But I’ve never really been fond of that. So, maybe instead, I quit the childish game. I remove myself, not from the equation, but the layers of formula and abstract mathematics. Maybe I just become equal simply, or just finally admit to being greater than.

But I’d rather not live in a world where I can lose this much to a lie.

But I’d also rather live in the world where I never lose.

I won’t admit it, but sometimes that’s all we get to do. And it’s not preferable, but the alternative is fighting X with X. And I won’t be deferential, but these differentials play too deep into space’s corner pocket.

So, I guess I just won’t call my shot. Or call ‘em as I see ‘em.

And instead I’ll just wish, but not hope, that one day, you, of all people, will know better.

Thanks for reading.

It’s a Two Parter – A Surprise

I wanted to write a blog today about brussel sprouts. When I came home the smell literally smacked in the face. And for the first time ever, this apartment really felt like where I belong. I felt like I fit in. I felt like I wasn’t fighting to just feel anymore, like I could finally relax.

My mom. Well. I miss my mom. I miss my whole family, I miss my dogs, and I miss Murrieta. But I never was into the whole… “I wish I could go home” sort of line of thinking. I’m not homesick, I just am in love with an old home, still.

And unlike exes, that’s actually a good thing, so long as that home will still take you. You can be hung up on where you used to hang out.

For whatever reason, conflating one of my favorite smells from my teenage years and this damn city, and all it has to offer, really put me back in the moment. It helps that I did have a great day.

Well. To be clear. A lot led to me coming to this moment. Not just the smell of brussel sprouts, or a good night out, or a good day at work. But. A lot of positive choices that informed me of where I needed to be, rather than where I felt like I needed to be.

I’ve been toying around with a blog about how callous I’ve been feeling. It’s something that hits me from time to time. I just start to get really numb, and I feel like the things I’m experiencing are happening to someone else.

I think that’s easy to make happen when you are kind of just alone all the time.

So I suppose, the biggest change was just getting back into the swing of having people physically around. Believe it or not, it’s nice.

But it also helps that most of them are actually super cool and interesting and kind. Just like I had to warm up to them, they had to warm up to me, but now, I don’t know, now I think like. Damn. These people are great.

It can be a sort of… vacuum. When you get bad news or when you realize things aren’t all perfect. And that’s what happened to me.

I called my mom to talk to her, because brussel sprouts, duh, and when I hung up I saw something that basically proved that my friend was kind of hiding something stupid from me.

It’s their prerogative and life, so. I’m not actually upset about it. It just made me feel really sick, because it was another instance of like… me being an obstacle for someone else. And it’s not like I’m ever going to stand in your way if you say excuse me.

But maybe some people just see me as antagonistic.

It’s whatever. It was just… in the moment, it made me feel a lot of things. Mostly just sad. Sad for them, that is.

I’m fine now. I just needed the time to be upset. The more I thought about it too, the more I was like “I bet this eats at them every once in a while.” And that’s the only reason where I’m thinking, I should probably say something. You know?

I framed my mindset to think, not how this hurt me, because that’s gone already, but instead, why is this happening and what does that cause?

It really helped to think that way.

I think, ultimately, this problem isn’t mine to solve. It’s something I’ll passively “deal with,” but I mean. Really, does it matter? No.

If I found this out two days ago, well, it’d be a different story. I would’ve said something. But, thanks to perspective I’ve gained since, I don’t think I have to mind it.

(I know I’ve written a blog on here about being lied to, and how I’ll let people tell me white lies that I catch. But this lie, it’s not white, it’s probably an off purple or an orange.)

So, I’m grateful I found out today. And I’m grateful for the day I had, and continue to have now that this “obstacle” has been taken out of the way.

It feels good to be home.

Alright. For real now. Thanks for reading. Have a great week.