On Feeling Restless – A Review

I don't know if anyone envies this part of my life. Well. I guess I don't know if anyone envies my life at all.

But. After laying in bed for three hours. Now, feeling more awake than when I tried to fall asleep, I find myself envying the never quite quiet city around me.

Sure. From my fire escape I still hear the train. There are still people on the street. Walking home from work or where ever. I still see lights on in windows; cars slowly driving pass; and the dull hum of a plane, either coming or going. But there’s something to summer’s dull wind breezing through the sparse trees that tells me there’s peace out there. I just don’t have it. I try to take it in. Hoping somehow, it's enough to help me find rest.

But I can’t. My breaths are shallow and a numbness sits in my chest that keeps my lungs at half capacity. My head hurts. Really hurts. And I’m having trouble thinking straight.

That aside, I want to be clear I'm doing fine. I just can't sleep, that's all. I just didn't do enough to tire out this one-track mind of mine today. Or maybe it was something I ate. Or a mix of the two. Or neither. Either way I'm here now, no sense questioning it too much.

I head in. Partly because I'm wary of the moth flittering nearby and partly because I'm scared to drop my phone.

There was something about the wind too. It made it sound like it was raining.

I wish it would make up its mind and just do it already. Probably wouldn't help me sleep, but it'd give me an excuse to go walk a block or two.

I want to sleep. Mostly because pretty soon here I'm going to get hungry. And my roommates are sleeping in the kitchen because they have family over.

So, I can't really make popcorn at this hour.

If I get hungry then there's no chance in sleeping. It's all downhill from here.

I blink at the ceiling and turn on the light. I haven't been in this position much here. I don't know my options.

So. I guess I'm writing.

I don't think I'm into running away anymore. I think I've decided that's not me. It's scary in a way. But I think I need the practice in commitment.

As for other updates, I don't know if I'm screwing up my relationships. Or if it's all their fault.

It's a battle between my waning pessimism and my ever-present anxiety. I'll keep you posted, but I don’t know if there’ll be much to add anytime soon.

Part of the problem is that I just don't know my worth. And I mean that in all the respects it deserves. What's my value? Am I holding onto things that cost more than they profit?

Maybe I just got too lucky too early. I found the good ones at a time where I had to be on the move. And now we are all stuck on different edges of this continent looking for that same authenticity.

Or maybe authenticity can be created anywhere. And I'm just not working remotely hard enough.

Fact is. I find myself reflecting the people around me. And right now, that's making it hard to feel authentic.

Everything is so much work. So much plotting how to speak and maneuver. It's. Well. It's unbecoming of me, literally.

I just want to shake them all and say "look, let's just try it this way. See how it works. We might even fix something. We might even cure our loneliness."

But I'm too scared to. But only because it is me asking for someone to try real hard now so that in the future things are easy. And that's not an easy thing to convince someone to do.

So I'm back to keeping my mouth shut. Back to acting the same as I did when I started my job last year a week before I start back up again. To quote Vonnegut: “and so it goes.”

I think it'd work. Really. If we just tried. If we all did. It'd all work out.

I just don’t think anyone knows what that looks like.

Thanks for reading. This is a bit more somber, but that’s what happens at 4AM.

Have a great weekend.

-Connor