People Changing and Love Languages – A Review

I’m lucky in a lot of ways. I don’t ever discount that. I’ve got a loving and supportive family. I’ve found myself in positions where I get to show my skills and excel. And of course, I’ve got smart friends who care about me and want what’s best for me.

See, when it comes to friends (or anyone for that matter), you really never have the full picture. The puzzle is missing some pieces and that’s even if both parties are 100% straight forward and honest with each other. As you get to know someone the pieces fill in, but as you both grow together, other parts of the puzzle become… obsolete. People change, and that’s cool, because it’s like you’re getting two puzzles for the price of one.

But sometimes, that new puzzle might be “too” different. There might be too many conflicting pieces, and maybe the changes make other pieces harder to fit in. This might lead to people not “meshing” as well, or it just might lead to an unexpected reaction.

Almost everyone I know is taking massive steps in their lives, and with it, a lot of fundamental things about them are changing. I can understand that, and I respect and appreciate it. To me, a lot of life is about growing and changing, and I’m so lucky to get to grow and change with the people I consider my best friends.

But sometimes, people surprise me. Just yesterday I was talking to a friend and he said some stuff to me that rubbed me the wrong way. He was pushy, and kind of rude. And I’d never experienced that side of him before. It bothered me a lot, but I didn’t really let it show toward him. Later in the day, I brought it up with a different friend and he said “Maybe part of it just is that you’re moving farther away now and he’s just trying to have a way to tie you two together, people work in different ways.”

I didn’t even stop to consider how my moving might bring these sorts of emotions forward, but we’re not isolated beings. Our puzzles aren’t images we curate, but rather bits and pieces of the world around us. At a fundamental level, we’re made out of each other.

This leads me to what might be a controversial opinion. Love languages.

Now, it’s tough to find me agreeing with anything that is associated with what’s considered “new-age.” For the most part, I stray away from something until its peer reviewed. But. I think there’s something to learn from this 90s book.

The basic premise of the book is that the way you express your “love” for someone else, is how you generally want to be loved in return. So, like, one type of person might feel the most loved when someone gives them a gift, while someone else might simply prefer words of affirmation, or maybe actions. The author, Gary Chapman, believes that there are exclusively five different “love languages” and he suggests everyone has one primary and one secondary love language.

They are as follows: Giving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and physical touch.

Now. When it comes to these kinds of books, especially from the 90s-2000s, it was pretty box standard to suggest that your ideas were complete. Theories had to be airtight, so we can’t fully fault Chapman for suggesting that his list is complete inside the book.

Ultimately, I disagree with most of this book’s content. BUT. I do agree with the premise that you have to acknowledge the ways someone demonstrates your meaning to them. I think everyone is different, and part of getting to know someone is finding out where those pieces of their personality line up.

For example, I love giving gifts. Like a lot. That can express itself as either picking up the bill at dinner or sending them a box of random stuff I thought they might like, doing that makes me happy and (I hope) makes them happy too. But when it comes to getting gifts, I’d say I’m about average. I do enjoy gifts, trust me, but I’d rather spend time with someone than have them spend their money. Which makes me think the most important thing for me is effort. If I can tell you’re doing your best to be there for me, that’s all it takes to move our friendship to the next level.

This varies from person to person, of course. If it means driving an hour just to hang out, or setting aside fifteen minutes to talk me through an issue, then you’re already hitting that top percentile of friends.

Now, here’s where things might be problematic. I do my best to try and figure out the things other people like. Like I know one of my best friends just really loves being included. I have another friend that likes compliments, and I’ve got a different friend who conflates activity with admiration. So, for each of them, I tailor my actions toward them. (None of them read the blog, so stop trying to figure out who is who).

Doing this isn’t always a good thing. In a lot of cases, it makes me put someone else’s interests before mine. Which leads to me getting stepped on. Some of my friendships got so used to this “stepping” that they really aren’t friendships anymore, it’s just one person telling me what to do. I’ve realized that this isn’t sustainable, and have been trying to slowly take my agency back. It hasn’t been going great.

Additionally, this is a problem because, at the end of the day, I’m guessing what it is these people like and I really shouldn’t do that. To be honest, I’m not entirely conscious of it. It’s almost an accident, and by the time I realize what I’m doing… well, at that point that’s what our friendship is based on and I just can’t stop. So, with my closest friends, I just straight ask them what they want from me. It doesn’t always go well, but I generally learn how they want me to treat them. If I ever do misstep in our relationship, feel free to tell me.

Now… this also could be seen as a sort of… shortcut to make people happy. I don’t really see it that way, as it really only happens after I’m already good/great friends with the person. At that point, I want them to be happy as much as possible, so I do whatever it takes to make that happen. Yeah, it’s not perfect, and no, I don’t think its right. But, it certainly beats the alternative. When I care about someone, I want to make this kind of effort. So, if it leads to both sides getting what they want, then… it’s all good, right?

And finally, this is a problem because people change. Right now, I’m saving my money for the move. I’m not “wanting” in the slightest, and have savings to handle myself. Does that mean my friends think I’m loving them less? I don’t think so. One of them just assumed he owed me enough from all the food I bought him in the past and has been trying to buy me things lately. And a different friend literally told me “please stop sending me gifts.”

:) I’m clearly the greatest.

I don’t think of myself as the be all end all best friend. I know there are a lot of ways I screw up. But I know that I also take certain steps that some people never see. I put myself out there for people and sometimes they don’t even know it. And while I’m not constantly thinking about how I can improve my friend’s lives. I do always keep an eye out for all of them.

A lot of my post-college life has been trying to parse together what “love” is. I’m not in a rush to be in a relationship or to get married or even to find new friends. I’m lucky enough with the people in my life right now. And I can honestly say, I love all of my friends. But, sometimes I don’t know what that means, and sometimes I don’t know how far I’m meant to take that. Like. There have been plenty of moments where I sacrificed my own well-being for someone else’s, but when they had the opportunity to do the same, they didn’t. And while it didn’t hurt, it didn’t feel great either. I can’t expect people to be like this, and I learned that last year. All I can do, is keep learning my limits, and decide whether or not I should be satisfied by them, or if I should find a way to take myself a step farther.

Thanks for reading, and I truly hope you have an amazing week.